Which way is up again?

I am lost. Love forsakes you. Friends are ephemeral. I'm trying to find myself but all I've done is lost my own hope. I don't believe in a benevolent God, but the strength of the human self and the inherent stability within. Right now though, I doubt myself so much I could get hurt.

I am actively suicidal. I am going through a very rough time right now. I am trying to make love exist in an uncaring world throguh sheer force of will. Pain is love, and I am in a great deal of pain.

Someone help me?

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Now playing: Shiny Toy Guns - Money For That
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Bad Decisions Make For Good Times

Diving off a cliff of romance.
Falling.
10,000 feet.
8,000.
3,000.
500.
Boom.

I don't know how this will end, but I hope if it blows up in my face I see the beauty in the flames.

Awakening

I've been asleep since I came home. College was torture, it only took me until the end to see it. So when I came home, I blotted it out. I've been playing World of Warcraft upwards of 12 hours a day lately.

But tonight I read a book, called "Manic". It's about manic-depression, whihc I'm pretty sure I don't have, but it was a trip anyway. I usually avoid reading literature or watching movies because my emotions merge with the art and I lose myself, leaving me depressed, euphoric, or even dangerous to be around. But tonight, I read and woke up from the malaise. But only time will tell if this feeling will last through tomorrow morning.

Oh, and Neveret?
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Now playing: The Spill Canvas - This is For Keeps
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A Shoulder To Lean On

Earlier tonight I thought about this.

I am a cigarette.
A tube of chemicals and addiction that burns until there is nothing left
Nothing but a foul taste, an odor
And regret.

But then, I ran all around the dorm fixing things and looking at the lives of everyone else. The industrious souls who slave away or break down into elaborate rituals of alcoholic self-destruction. I am one of them, but tonight I walked among them alternately fixing their problems and making new ones. I like to think of myself as a bad person, but in reality I get the feeling that I walk the line pretty damn well. I help those I care about and break those I don't and don't feel bad about it either way.

Tonight, the popular kids asked me to do their dirty work and talk an annoying kid into leaving them alone. I agreed, because it's better him than me. Is this what the Gestapo felt like? Regardless, I'm popular now, and that status comes with a price. The price of course, that I am willing to pay.

Last but not least, some truth to go with all this beauty. The truth being that I tell nothing but the truth when I'm drunk. Not the facts, but the truth. There is a distinction in that the truth is real where facts can be unfortunate or banal. I told a girl last night that "I'm engaged, so I can't be in love with you." Now, I haven't been engaged in over two years now, but in my heart I still belong to Juliet. I may not care so greatly about the girl I told this too that I love her, but I cared enough to make it true, if only for a moment.

What am I doing here? I don't know. I'm just trying to make ends meet and hearts heal. Well, most of them anyway. Living in this dorm is like putting a frog in a blender with a thesis paper. I think I'll drop out of college and go to The Ringling College of Art and Design. Seriously, it's as good a plan as any.

Burnout

Fine. You win. My first research paper, 10 pages on Revelations and Ragnarok. I thought I could do it and I was wrong. Class is in 2 hours and I have 2 paragraphs, not even a whole page.

So what? You win world. But only for today. The final draft is due next week, and I'll see that this is the best essay I could make. I won't sleep in, because there is no more fear. There's either making it in the big time, or there's failing and failing hard. I know which path I'm going to take, how about you?

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Now playing: Something Corporate - Forget December
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Let's Talk About the Weather

Pathetic Fallacy in Macebeth is when the weather mirrors the human emotions and events in the play, as the constant storms and rain accompany unrest and inner turmoil. Sometimes, I see this happening in this wacky little town I'm in. First, an unending downpour that soaks you after 10 seconds, then an incessant drizzle and mist that makes the outside a drab and miserable experience. Today, a blue sky with an oppressively hot sun that tears all the moisture out of everything, followed by the return of the drizzle, then at sunset a hot and dusty wind that knocks you off your feet. The confusion and wonder at my new life are reflected in the weather. I'm from New York, so I have experience with unpredictable weather, but this past week has just been outright ridiculous.

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Now playing: Paramore - For A Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic
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Never Forget

So, apparently the governor of Pennsylvania passed a law that says it is illegal to smoke a cigarette in any public place. This includes outdoors on college campuses.

9-11-08: Never Forget
The day the smokers died.

I speak on behalf of the majority of my fellow smokers when I say: Bitch-motherfucker.

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Now playing: The Higher - Can Anyone Really Love Young
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A New World

So, I just read my own post on The Manifesto from 4 months ago. How so much has changed, in so short a time. How much more cynical and tainted by wisdom I've become.

I'm in college now, a freshman at a nameless institution of higher learning, majoring in Religious Studies. I'm fairly positive about the future, which is odd behavior for me in general, but this is a new world and I'll welcome it with open arms while challenging it at every step.

~ Rose of Montague

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Now playing: The Academy Is... - Slow Down
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