Riding A Trainwreck To Hell

I love her. I love her laugh and hate to see her tears. I love her allusions to obscure mathematical phenomenon and the way she finds puzzle games erotic. I love the way we slip into lust from the maddening depression we derive from the real world.

I know, above all else, that being with her will leave me broken and bleeding on the rocky shores of life. This cannot end well. But I will never leave, because I will make life into a love story, even if it kills me.

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Now playing: System Of A Down - Lost in Hollywood
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Which way is up again?

I am lost. Love forsakes you. Friends are ephemeral. I'm trying to find myself but all I've done is lost my own hope. I don't believe in a benevolent God, but the strength of the human self and the inherent stability within. Right now though, I doubt myself so much I could get hurt.

I am actively suicidal. I am going through a very rough time right now. I am trying to make love exist in an uncaring world throguh sheer force of will. Pain is love, and I am in a great deal of pain.

Someone help me?

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Now playing: Shiny Toy Guns - Money For That
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Awakening

I've been asleep since I came home. College was torture, it only took me until the end to see it. So when I came home, I blotted it out. I've been playing World of Warcraft upwards of 12 hours a day lately.

But tonight I read a book, called "Manic". It's about manic-depression, whihc I'm pretty sure I don't have, but it was a trip anyway. I usually avoid reading literature or watching movies because my emotions merge with the art and I lose myself, leaving me depressed, euphoric, or even dangerous to be around. But tonight, I read and woke up from the malaise. But only time will tell if this feeling will last through tomorrow morning.

Oh, and Neveret?
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Now playing: The Spill Canvas - This is For Keeps
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Home and Miserable

The first thing I did when I got home from college was call my best friend from high school and get drunk, waking up to realize he had used at least half of my brand new pack for cigarettes and bookmarked porn to my computer. I almost would have preferred a hangover. After the bonding was over though, I was forced to resign to my mother's new house.

So, all I've done since coming back is smoke cigarettes and play World of Warcraft. It's an existence without meaning and I'm absolutely miserable. The worst part is that I don't want anything more than to sleep. I don't feel the need to change even though I have the vague memories of meaning and desire. Now I'm left without passion in the place between the hours, what was previously my refuge.

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Now playing: Good Charlotte - Misery
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