The first entry in a long time. I have no one to apologize too, because nobody reads this text on a black page. It makes me wonder, are all these words that float in front of my eyes, a novel in a week, are they wasted on me?
I sleep 12 hours a day. You think I do, anyway. I sleep 10. The other 2, I dream. Beautiful pictures and fantasies of a life that could have been, should have been, could be. I see Em, Sarah, Megan, today I woke up in an empty bed with Jamie on my lips. My love isn't for them anymore, but it is Love. It's an idea that fills me when I try not to remember it, reminding me every sunrise that I have a future. With her. Whoever she is, wherever she may be. The one I felt on the steps of Whit when I was alone, when I kissed Sarah and she cried, when Jamie told me secrets, when I asked Em to coffee and fate said no.
Yeah, I used your names. Nobody reads this, and none of you are Juliet anymore. Did you know when I play World of Warcraft online, I pretend to be you? I'm Neveret. I just typed it in and it stared me in the face like it was meant to be. Neveret.
I feel tears that don't come, like I used too. Am I sad, or just alive? I need a new place for this, for me. A place where I'm not Rose of Montague, Neveret, or Anthony. A place where I, and the girl who never shows her face in the mirror can be. Just be and keep living for the day when I hatch the brilliant game mechanic, write the story that makes the government want to kill me, or teach a class filled with a bunch of sleepy kids who don't give a damn about anything but the beer in their dorm room.
Who am I? I'm alive. And I've gotta grow up some time. But I'll tell you this. Truth and Beauty and Sparkles, they won't go away. I won't let them. I can't let that go, even if everything else falls apart.
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