Kerouac

I've been reading a lot of weird writing lately, mainly Down In Me and Reclaiming Imogen. I really like it, it's manageable in brevity and thought-provoking in the way it disturbs me. I might take up writing like this. I worry that someone will find it and the works will ruin my future career, but then this comes to mind. This thought process is the same thing that prevents me from linking my blog on facebook. I have over 100 "friends" but I still hesitate to show more than a few (those who are reading this) who I really am. I know they won't accept me. This knowledge is odd in that I enjoy playing in their world but need to live in mine.

So really, time will tell what I will do. Oh, and I should really get around to reading Kerouac, he sounds like a pretty cool guy.

Oh, and Juliet thought I killed myself. How quaint. Some days I wish I had. Hopefully the new medication will help with that. But really, I think the world is more beautiful when looking at it from the perspective of "after I die, she gets to live and..."

----------------
Now playing: AFI - This Celluloid Dream
via FoxyTunes

Awakening

I've been asleep since I came home. College was torture, it only took me until the end to see it. So when I came home, I blotted it out. I've been playing World of Warcraft upwards of 12 hours a day lately.

But tonight I read a book, called "Manic". It's about manic-depression, whihc I'm pretty sure I don't have, but it was a trip anyway. I usually avoid reading literature or watching movies because my emotions merge with the art and I lose myself, leaving me depressed, euphoric, or even dangerous to be around. But tonight, I read and woke up from the malaise. But only time will tell if this feeling will last through tomorrow morning.

Oh, and Neveret?
----------------
Now playing: The Spill Canvas - This is For Keeps
via FoxyTunes

Home and Miserable

The first thing I did when I got home from college was call my best friend from high school and get drunk, waking up to realize he had used at least half of my brand new pack for cigarettes and bookmarked porn to my computer. I almost would have preferred a hangover. After the bonding was over though, I was forced to resign to my mother's new house.

So, all I've done since coming back is smoke cigarettes and play World of Warcraft. It's an existence without meaning and I'm absolutely miserable. The worst part is that I don't want anything more than to sleep. I don't feel the need to change even though I have the vague memories of meaning and desire. Now I'm left without passion in the place between the hours, what was previously my refuge.

----------------
Now playing: Good Charlotte - Misery
via FoxyTunes

Snow is a Blanket Over a Sleeping Town

Years ago, a man I greatly respected at the time said "You are the center of the universe, and at the same time you are the most insignificant part of something infinitely greater than yourself. When you can hold both of these truths in your mind at the same time, you will have achieved something."

I think tonight, five minutes ago, I successfully held both truths in my mind, and I understood something meaningful. It's true and it's beautiful.

Another Poet

So, I know another poet, and he said I could share some of his work here. This piece really spoke to me, and the phenomenon of falling in love on the train, which I'll talk about another day. So, without further ado, I present "Sincerity" by Prester John.

Sincerity

To the dearest, precious woman
The dandelion of the garden
She who breaks the ice
Just so she can go fishing
For compliments.

To the lovely
No, beautiful
No, pretty
No, cute girl

I thank you
For everything
You never gave me.

----------------
Now playing: Good Charlotte - Misery
via FoxyTunes

A Shoulder To Lean On

Earlier tonight I thought about this.

I am a cigarette.
A tube of chemicals and addiction that burns until there is nothing left
Nothing but a foul taste, an odor
And regret.

But then, I ran all around the dorm fixing things and looking at the lives of everyone else. The industrious souls who slave away or break down into elaborate rituals of alcoholic self-destruction. I am one of them, but tonight I walked among them alternately fixing their problems and making new ones. I like to think of myself as a bad person, but in reality I get the feeling that I walk the line pretty damn well. I help those I care about and break those I don't and don't feel bad about it either way.

Tonight, the popular kids asked me to do their dirty work and talk an annoying kid into leaving them alone. I agreed, because it's better him than me. Is this what the Gestapo felt like? Regardless, I'm popular now, and that status comes with a price. The price of course, that I am willing to pay.

Last but not least, some truth to go with all this beauty. The truth being that I tell nothing but the truth when I'm drunk. Not the facts, but the truth. There is a distinction in that the truth is real where facts can be unfortunate or banal. I told a girl last night that "I'm engaged, so I can't be in love with you." Now, I haven't been engaged in over two years now, but in my heart I still belong to Juliet. I may not care so greatly about the girl I told this too that I love her, but I cared enough to make it true, if only for a moment.

What am I doing here? I don't know. I'm just trying to make ends meet and hearts heal. Well, most of them anyway. Living in this dorm is like putting a frog in a blender with a thesis paper. I think I'll drop out of college and go to The Ringling College of Art and Design. Seriously, it's as good a plan as any.

The Most Beautiful Poems, You Will Never Read

It's 7:33 and I'm falling asleep even though I woke up at 4
And all I can think of is
Polish castles,
True love,
and how sorry I am for everything I ever I ever did to you.
Sorry,
Will you marry me,
So when I die you can use my money
To sing and make it big on the indie scene?


I'd rather kiss a girl than have a thousand bucks,
I'd rather taste good chocolate than eat well for a month,
I'd rather smoke than breathe for a week,
I'd rather say what I mean than watch what I speak,
I'd rather love you tomorrow than be married to another,
I'd rather die terrified than live forever.

----------------
Now playing: Death Cab For Cutie - Someday You Will Be Loved
via FoxyTunes

Juliet

I knew a girl once who was beautiful. She talked too loud, stumbled when she walked, had few friends, but loved the whole world anyway. Her love was endless in this respect, shared amongst everyone and everything while never being diminished.

Then, she let someone in, which she never did, and they broke her. The cruel, damnable world we live in broke this beautiful angel made of glass, replacing her love with a fountain of tears and her madness with a dim acquiescence to the rules laid out before her. Before the change she saw the extraordinary that lay beyond the veil, where now she sees only her broken reflection in a mirror.

Where is the justice? What happened to my Juliet?

I don't know, I left her behind in favor of freeing myself of the fetters our past had become to me. If I could take anything back, I wish I hadn't broken those ties, but just played cards that day. I'm sorry Juliet, and I'll come back for you some day.

I promise, on the only thing I hold sacred. My memories of Juliet.

We'll live in your Polish castle on the sea, and we'll dance in the rain once more before we die, I swear it.

Burnout

Fine. You win. My first research paper, 10 pages on Revelations and Ragnarok. I thought I could do it and I was wrong. Class is in 2 hours and I have 2 paragraphs, not even a whole page.

So what? You win world. But only for today. The final draft is due next week, and I'll see that this is the best essay I could make. I won't sleep in, because there is no more fear. There's either making it in the big time, or there's failing and failing hard. I know which path I'm going to take, how about you?

----------------
Now playing: Something Corporate - Forget December
via FoxyTunes

Let's Talk About the Weather

Pathetic Fallacy in Macebeth is when the weather mirrors the human emotions and events in the play, as the constant storms and rain accompany unrest and inner turmoil. Sometimes, I see this happening in this wacky little town I'm in. First, an unending downpour that soaks you after 10 seconds, then an incessant drizzle and mist that makes the outside a drab and miserable experience. Today, a blue sky with an oppressively hot sun that tears all the moisture out of everything, followed by the return of the drizzle, then at sunset a hot and dusty wind that knocks you off your feet. The confusion and wonder at my new life are reflected in the weather. I'm from New York, so I have experience with unpredictable weather, but this past week has just been outright ridiculous.

----------------
Now playing: Paramore - For A Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic
via FoxyTunes

Never Forget

So, apparently the governor of Pennsylvania passed a law that says it is illegal to smoke a cigarette in any public place. This includes outdoors on college campuses.

9-11-08: Never Forget
The day the smokers died.

I speak on behalf of the majority of my fellow smokers when I say: Bitch-motherfucker.

----------------
Now playing: The Higher - Can Anyone Really Love Young
via FoxyTunes

Misanthropy Strikes Again

I am surrounded by fools and peasants. The immense ignorance of those who attend this University continues to astound me. The particular group that has aroused my ire this particular time are LARPers, a group that infests the campus with their foolish pride in a hobby which is shunned by most of the role-playing community.

Why, dear God why? These people fight with foam swords and take pride in being a blood-elf or other such bastardization of Tolkein's creation and then think to have any self-respect? The shame should crush their pathetic little minds. Their very existence works to fuel my apathy towards succeeding in a world where people like this can breathe without being mercilessly pounded by the relentless waves of guilt that should accompany their actions.

Yes, I'm judgmental, but their very presence causes me to shudder in shame that they live on the same planet I do.

A New World

So, I just read my own post on The Manifesto from 4 months ago. How so much has changed, in so short a time. How much more cynical and tainted by wisdom I've become.

I'm in college now, a freshman at a nameless institution of higher learning, majoring in Religious Studies. I'm fairly positive about the future, which is odd behavior for me in general, but this is a new world and I'll welcome it with open arms while challenging it at every step.

~ Rose of Montague

----------------
Now playing: The Academy Is... - Slow Down
via FoxyTunes

The Manifesto

Life in the modern world is often confusing, as every person struggles to define their existence amidst the turmoil of society. I cope by clinging to an ideal, the idea that there is beauty somewhere out there, poetry in motion, a lyrical life or a picturesque sunset. The aesthetically pleasing finds a way to survive in an otherwise disgusting and bankrupt world of broken dreams and empty promises.

The trouble is, beauty is frail. The prettiest things are the most likely to be crushed underfoot in the name of progress. Whether a person whose idealism shines among the disillusioned or a single flower in a mangy lawn that is scorned by the cynic, the continued existence of the beautiful is a fickle hope. My goal is to protect these simple pleasures, the sight for sore eyes, the refreshing breeze that soothes the tormented conscience in a world of tough decisions. To stand up and defend the beautiful, while living life like a dream, a glorious and honorable dream, that's my plan.

To live like a bright star, that flares brightly rather than slowly sputtering out. That is the real way to live. Today is just another day on the way to a fiery death, but this day is filled with poetry just like the next.

~ Rose of Montague