I read what you write

Around 2 am I grow bored with the silly game I waste all my time on.
The world is silent except for the hum of the computer and everyone is asleep but me.
I remember that the world is empty and open Robot Melon.
If I read everything, I will be able to write something amazing.

Something is wrong tonight, when I read I feel sick and knotted up inside.
No matter how much I read, I cannot be all of you.
I need to stop pretending.
I need to write like me.

Define Summer: Empty

The first entry in a long time. I have no one to apologize too, because nobody reads this text on a black page. It makes me wonder, are all these words that float in front of my eyes, a novel in a week, are they wasted on me?

I sleep 12 hours a day. You think I do, anyway. I sleep 10. The other 2, I dream. Beautiful pictures and fantasies of a life that could have been, should have been, could be. I see Em, Sarah, Megan, today I woke up in an empty bed with Jamie on my lips. My love isn't for them anymore, but it is Love. It's an idea that fills me when I try not to remember it, reminding me every sunrise that I have a future. With her. Whoever she is, wherever she may be. The one I felt on the steps of Whit when I was alone, when I kissed Sarah and she cried, when Jamie told me secrets, when I asked Em to coffee and fate said no.

Yeah, I used your names. Nobody reads this, and none of you are Juliet anymore. Did you know when I play World of Warcraft online, I pretend to be you? I'm Neveret. I just typed it in and it stared me in the face like it was meant to be. Neveret.

I feel tears that don't come, like I used too. Am I sad, or just alive? I need a new place for this, for me. A place where I'm not Rose of Montague, Neveret, or Anthony. A place where I, and the girl who never shows her face in the mirror can be. Just be and keep living for the day when I hatch the brilliant game mechanic, write the story that makes the government want to kill me, or teach a class filled with a bunch of sleepy kids who don't give a damn about anything but the beer in their dorm room.

Who am I? I'm alive. And I've gotta grow up some time. But I'll tell you this. Truth and Beauty and Sparkles, they won't go away. I won't let them. I can't let that go, even if everything else falls apart.

Don't Forget to Shine

I did this wrong. All wrong. I lied. About the beautiful people. I said they were cheerleaders and drama queens, jocks and class presidents. I lied to your face and for that I'm sorry.

The beautiful people are real. They are the poets who never write, the musician who can't afford a square meal, those honest-to-god souls who are bigger than the skin they wear and the blood in their veins. You probably can't see it, but I can. They sparkle. I found one and I fell in love. Short, passionate, I wanted to see us burn up together. Of course it couldn't end well, nothing ever does. But I wanted to wring my heart out and squeeze every last drop of sunshine from her smile before I broke under the pain of being so close.

She wouldn't let me. She is staying with her boyfriend, who she loves very much. She knows he will dump her, this year most likely. But she cannot end it herself, she has to suffer through his abuses. I suffered through hers willingly, trying to break her out of her torture and set her gently into my arms.

But none of this really matters. What matters is that I never kissed her. She said that if we kissed, she could never see me again and her relationship with her boyfriend would end, violently. I thought the most virtuous thing I could do was break her. Make the sacrifice of never seeing her again and destroy all that she held dear so that she could live free and well. I couldn't do it, though. I kissed her on the forehead and told her "I will never leave. Not until you forget how to sparkle."

You see, apparently I sparkle too. I'm not happy like she is, exuding magic into those around her. I don't love everything that breathes. But I sparkle too. So, apparently I am a beautiful person. And the worst thing you can do, to anyone, is take away their ability to sparkle. The world likes them better that way, and it happens eventually.

This is why I don't love Juliet like I used too. A boy took her, held her, and broke her heart. When he did, she lost what made her special. She succeeds now. Plays sports, gets good grades, and will probably be a great success. But she doesn't love everything anymore. She is jaded and real, not an angel with a mortal smile.

So, if you are a poet or a dream. Don't ever forget and don't ever take it away. Always love and protect those beautiful people. Even if it kills you.

Kerouac

I've been reading a lot of weird writing lately, mainly Down In Me and Reclaiming Imogen. I really like it, it's manageable in brevity and thought-provoking in the way it disturbs me. I might take up writing like this. I worry that someone will find it and the works will ruin my future career, but then this comes to mind. This thought process is the same thing that prevents me from linking my blog on facebook. I have over 100 "friends" but I still hesitate to show more than a few (those who are reading this) who I really am. I know they won't accept me. This knowledge is odd in that I enjoy playing in their world but need to live in mine.

So really, time will tell what I will do. Oh, and I should really get around to reading Kerouac, he sounds like a pretty cool guy.

Oh, and Juliet thought I killed myself. How quaint. Some days I wish I had. Hopefully the new medication will help with that. But really, I think the world is more beautiful when looking at it from the perspective of "after I die, she gets to live and..."

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Snow is a Blanket Over a Sleeping Town

Years ago, a man I greatly respected at the time said "You are the center of the universe, and at the same time you are the most insignificant part of something infinitely greater than yourself. When you can hold both of these truths in your mind at the same time, you will have achieved something."

I think tonight, five minutes ago, I successfully held both truths in my mind, and I understood something meaningful. It's true and it's beautiful.