Earlier tonight I thought about this.
I am a cigarette.
A tube of chemicals and addiction that burns until there is nothing left
Nothing but a foul taste, an odor
And regret.
But then, I ran all around the dorm fixing things and looking at the lives of everyone else. The industrious souls who slave away or break down into elaborate rituals of alcoholic self-destruction. I am one of them, but tonight I walked among them alternately fixing their problems and making new ones. I like to think of myself as a bad person, but in reality I get the feeling that I walk the line pretty damn well. I help those I care about and break those I don't and don't feel bad about it either way.
Tonight, the popular kids asked me to do their dirty work and talk an annoying kid into leaving them alone. I agreed, because it's better him than me. Is this what the Gestapo felt like? Regardless, I'm popular now, and that status comes with a price. The price of course, that I am willing to pay.
Last but not least, some truth to go with all this beauty. The truth being that I tell nothing but the truth when I'm drunk. Not the facts, but the truth. There is a distinction in that the truth is real where facts can be unfortunate or banal. I told a girl last night that "I'm engaged, so I can't be in love with you." Now, I haven't been engaged in over two years now, but in my heart I still belong to Juliet. I may not care so greatly about the girl I told this too that I love her, but I cared enough to make it true, if only for a moment.
What am I doing here? I don't know. I'm just trying to make ends meet and hearts heal. Well, most of them anyway. Living in this dorm is like putting a frog in a blender with a thesis paper. I think I'll drop out of college and go to The Ringling College of Art and Design. Seriously, it's as good a plan as any.
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3 comments:
"Living in this dorm is like putting a frog in a blender with a thesis paper."
Color me obtuse, but... Why?
"Regardless, I'm popular now, and that status comes with a price. The price of course, that I am willing to pay."
Why? Is it nice being popular? (I really wouldn't know.)
"What am I doing here? I don't know. I'm just trying to make ends meet and hearts heal. Well, most of them anyway."
Forgive me, I hear you feeling lost, but it sounds like you just answered your own question.
And again, I find myself confused... How do you see yourself doing these things? Why do you seek them?
"I think I'll drop out of college and go to The Ringling College of Art and Design."
Why? What is it that they offer other than a fresh start/escape.
"Seriously, it's as good a plan as any."
Are you sure? Will it bring you love, joy, relaxation, and meaning? If you think it will, go for it. It certainly looks like a cool place.
Stream of consciousness is of course confusing and self-contradictory.
"Stream of consciousness is of course confusing and self-contradictory."
From the outside, yes.
I really hope my questions aren't scaring you off. There's a lot here, and I think understanding it better, even if it means talking about the raw emotions without the veil of metaphor, will help you understand what you really want, and how to be happy.
Good luck with essays. :)
- Rael
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